Saying No
It was 2018 and I was drowning. My org was nearing 100 employees, more than 20 of whom were reporting directly to me. I had hired a manager who didn’t work out and was now paying for it. I refused to let the people on my team suffer the consequences of my hiring mistake, and thus I martyred myself by attending every weekly 1/1 and team meeting, spending every single minute of my work day in a conference room. I saved emails and meeting prep and slide decks for the evenings.
At home, I was going through a breakup. On the side, I was trying to build a brand, speak at conferences, and remain active in my community. I was getting requests from people outside of work to help with their crises, take an external meeting, mentor a stranger, sit on a panel, etc. I didn’t want to say no to any of them, but I was about to combust.
Thankfully, in a sea of bad decisions I had made one very good one: I had hired an executive coach named Sherri. Sherri quickly helped me pinpoint the self-sacrificing behaviors that were failing to serve me or my team. I learned how to appreciate the part of me that nurtures and cares for others, while recognizing that I’m a better leader when I first nurture and care for myself. Throughout our work together, we created a practice that I’ve since referred to with my own colleagues and clients.
The Daily Practice
Sherri urged me to start saying no to requests for my time, and I fought her with the fervor of someone who is deep in denial. We examined my fears: I was worried about disappointing people or altering their view of me. I was worried about missing out on opportunities that would be fun or professionally rewarding. I was worried about letting down the people in my community, to such an extreme that she got me to admit my own savior complex. My stubbornness led her to suggest a short, two week experiment. Together, we drafted the following:
A Daily Practice of Saying No
For two weeks, say NO to everything that doesn’t meet the following criteria:
Do I have enough hours in the day for this?
Is this absolutely critical?
Must I do this? (Really though? There’s no one else who can do it?)
Do I want to do this - are my physical body and inner wisdom in alignment?
For everything that meets all four criteria, prioritize according to the following:
WIFM - What’s In It For Me? Make sure my top needs are met before meeting too many things for others.
Impact - What’s the highest impact per time spent?
How to Say No
Agreeing to the practice was hard enough, but figuring out how to say no was another battle in and of itself. My fears were still buzzing. I had intense FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) even before there were real, actual events to miss. I didn’t want to offend anyone or come off as too self-important to help (and yes, in hindsight I realize this whole mess I’d gotten myself into was due to the actual self-importance I’d been feeling). So as a next step, we talked about all the various ways to say no:
The Complete Sentence. As it turns out, “NO” (and its more humble cousin, “no thank you”) is a complete sentence. It’s not always the most appropriate way to say no, but it’s valid and there are certain situations in our lives that call for it.
The Delegated No. The delegated no takes the form of, “This sounds [important | exciting | like a great opportunity], but I’m completely booked up at the moment. I know some other folks who might be more available. Would you like their names?” The delegated no still satisfies our desire to feel helpful and accommodating, while also being a great way to give others exposure and opportunity.
The Alternative No. Similar to the delegated no, the alternative no signals a willingness to accommodate. It sounds something like, “I would love to help out! Unfortunately given my current schedule, I can’t commit to this. Would it still be useful if I offered [alternative suggestion] instead?” Optional: Ask them if they have alternative suggestions as well!
The Deferred No. Perhaps the greatest epiphany of this whole practice came when I learned about the deferred no. The deferred no is useful in situations where we are on the fence about something that has no time constraint. This takes the form of, “I can’t take this on right now. Do you mind pinging me again in a month?” Even if they say yes, the vast majority of people will, in fact, not remember to ping you a month from now. The ones who really want you for something will, and that signal might be enough to change how you feel a month later when you re-run the request through your criteria. (Note that the deferred no can be used on the same request about 2 or 3 times before the requestor stops asking you. I’ll leave it up to you to determine whether or not that feels rude for your particular situation.)
The Results
As if by fate, within a few days I received an email from a former colleague whom I greatly adored, asking if he could introduce me to their Head of Platform Engineering to swap knowledge. Despite my positive feelings towards this colleague, my body recoiled at his request for an intro. “Swapping knowledge” felt like the last thing I had time for. I reluctantly followed my daily practice and chose the alternative no. I fired off an abrupt response, likely on my way in between meetings: “definitely too slammed for this right now but if he's got specific topics, I could see if there are people in my org who'd want to talk?”
His reply was so serendipitous that I actually laughed out loud and forwarded it straight to Sherri. He said:
No worries - I think he was mostly just hoping to chat with you, but totally understand and respect you protecting your time.
I need to get better at that myself -- admiring your ability to set boundaries!
Not only was he not disappointed in me, but he actually expressed respect and admiration over a response that really could have been stated more politely.
I’m not kidding when I say this email exchange made me start believing in the signs the universe sends us. What began as a two week experiment became a standard practice in my life, and one that I pass on to others who find themselves drowning in the busyness of life and their self-sacrificing tendencies.
This practice isn’t without regrets. While writing this post, I dug up the email from 2018 and realized who he wanted to introduce me to, and it turns out that person is someone I’ve come to greatly admire from afar. I might have chosen the deferred no over the alternative no, but I have enough distance now to understand that the missed connection didn’t actually harm me. Who knows, maybe I’ll send him this post and see if he’s willing to connect six years later – that is, if he’s not too busy.